From the mind to the pencil, night visions, a legacy honored in the light of day

My Latest Posts

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• Where are you dad
  Einstein said- energy cannot be created or destroyed Picasso said- everything you can imagine is real Where are you dad? Why havnt you visited? Why havnt you sent me a… Read more: Where are you dad
• Dada first selfie
  So many stories So many pictures So many memories I want to continue your night visions memoir and start a family tradition, I’ve written so much about you, but it’s… Read more: Dada first selfie
• Sharing a post: Saved to Favorites: Wear Sunscreen • Kinsey Keys • I love you so
  From the author: I saved the advice, forgot it, then lived long enough to understand why I’d saved it in the first place. Knowing a thing and believing it are… Read more: Sharing a post: Saved to Favorites: Wear Sunscreen • Kinsey Keys • I love you so
• It’s never going to get better, i miss you dad
  It will never hurt less I’ll never stop thinking about you every day I wish you were still here This pain will never get better
• The haunting at 6 station 
  16 years ago in 2010, i had already been in EMS for 2 years and there was an old tale (which i believed because i believe in ghosts and all… Read more: The haunting at 6 station 
• Dad i miss you so much
  I wish i could talk to you again It’s never going to get easier I love you I fucking miss you so much I can’t believe your gone Until we… Read more: Dad i miss you so much
• Happy Father’s Day dad
  I miss you I love you We made your ribs, I wanted to go fishing but the weather didn’t cooperate, you’ll have to put a fish on my line at… Read more: Happy Father’s Day dad
• trust me on the sunscreen
  lately I’ve been seeing some TikTok videos with this song and captions saying people didn’t understand this song when it came out but now that they are older tbh wy… Read more: trust me on the sunscreen
• Dad, are you ok with me moving on?
  Dear dad Thanks for talking to me on my ridiculous ghost app spirit box for the first year and a half after you were gone Thank you ghosts that have… Read more: Dad, are you ok with me moving on?
• My future child in question
  It’s finally time i grew up, it’s finally time to have a kid, I’ve put it off long enough, and time is running out I had a great childhood My… Read more: My future child in question
• The quote again, another sign
  Upset, sad, overwhelmed, stressed with life stuff As i lay crying in my bed, scrolling tik tok, someone i follows video came up on my following page There it was… Read more: The quote again, another sign
• Shrimp fest
  We went to all you can eat shrimp We didn’t break our record but we got close Thanks for playing your song and enjoying it with us
• Forever young
  Let’s dance in style, let’s dance for a whileHeaven can wait, we’re only watching the skiesHoping for the best, but expecting the worstAre you gonna drop the bomb or not?… Read more: Forever young
• Signs, signs, everywhere a sign
  Never underestimate a sign as a coincidence My dad sent me a sign the other day through a tik tok video of all things The video was from a very… Read more: Signs, signs, everywhere a sign
• End of life assets- farewell.jpg
  Boy did my dad do a fantastic job of completely wiping his computer and phone and only leaving me with a phone of our memories and a computer full of… Read more: End of life assets- farewell.jpg
• Night visions- day visions- visions in the dark- and beyond
  My dad left me a document he called from the mind to the pencil / night visions It was memories from his life, short stories, jokes, poems, and his art,… Read more: Night visions- day visions- visions in the dark- and beyond
• Blair witch
  When i was 9, the Blair witch project came out I loved everything spooky and Halloween And i was OBSESSED i started to make my own Blair witch stick figures… Read more: Blair witch
• Silly games, silly prizes, forever memories
  My dad had a knack for games, and he was good at them Our 7-11 had a claw machine, and we always put a loonie or two in it when… Read more: Silly games, silly prizes, forever memories
• a nice thought from my neighbor
  I was chatting with my older neighbor today as her son substance problems have gotten very bad. I love her son and I’ve known him sober and not sober. He’s… Read more: a nice thought from my neighbor
• At 37 years old, it’s time for me to grow up
  4 years since my Dad has been gone, 4 years of sadness and self destruction and insanity. I made the choice last night that this is not good for me;… Read more: At 37 years old, it’s time for me to grow up
• I miss my dad
  I miss him terribly I don’t know how to move on I love that he left me his phone and spent time making his phone a tribute to his life… Read more: I miss my dad
• 4 years today and it still doesn’t hurt any less
  i miss you dad I told you tonight i would start writing more, but i just can’t today, I’ll get back writing the second part to your book once my… Read more: 4 years today and it still doesn’t hurt any less
• The internet isn’t always full of information, time to make it so
  I’ve been deep diving the internet for 4 years trying to scrounge any tidbit of information about my dad i didn’t know. Turns out, there’s not much out there, even… Read more: The internet isn’t always full of information, time to make it so
• I miss you dad
  Love Chubbly
• I don’t know what real grief is, and I’m terrified of it
  My grandpa had to be put in long term care, he hated it, he stopped eating, he died on his birthday coincidently, I’m sure that was his plan, very cool… Read more: I don’t know what real grief is, and I’m terrified of it
• I’m so sorry i fucked up your last Christmas dad
  I’m so sorry I’m so sorry dad How can i make it right How can i make sure your celebrating Christmas with us You asked me for a last Christmas,… Read more: I’m so sorry i fucked up your last Christmas dad
• It’s been awhile, finally a semi merry Christmas
  I used to write on here a lot about how i miss my dad, i wrote to heal my grief, i wrote to continue his book he started But i… Read more: It’s been awhile, finally a semi merry Christmas
• “Replying to Sammy”, the sign cannot be any clearer haha very cheeky Dad
  I’ve been feeling the saddest I have since March about missing my dad this week earlier today i asked for a sign from him there was 2 feathers in the… Read more: “Replying to Sammy”, the sign cannot be any clearer haha very cheeky Dad
• Difference of Dreams and Visits
  Last night I dreamt of my Dad, it was his birthday, seems like a normal dream for the situation I don’t dream of him often, rarely actually, except a few… Read more: Difference of Dreams and Visits
• Dads SwtNSour
  Happy birthday Dad! Thanks for teaching Sebastian how to make your classic original recipe, and my all time favorite meal. Wish you were here to tell Sebastian what a great… Read more: Dads SwtNSour
• 65/35
  It’s that time of year Our birthdays Happy 65th Birthday Dad You know, Einstein, you know Miss you every birthday and miss you more every day
• Shrimp fest
  We went to all you can eat shrimp We didn’t break our record but we got close Thanks for playing your song and enjoying it with us
• Last song in your phone bookmarks, maybe it was not a message for me 😦 sure doesn’t feel like this is still true
  Please baby can’t you seeMy mind’s a burnin’ hellI got razors a rippin’ and tearin’ and strippin’My heart apart as well Tonight you told meThat you ache for somethin’ new‘Cause… Read more: Last song in your phone bookmarks, maybe it was not a message for me 😦 sure doesn’t feel like this is still true
• Had you known your shot would be the start of my end, would it have mattered?
  Back to anger Where are you You said you’d always be here You left me alone
• Everything reminds me of you
  Miss you
• Big Boss Ring Toss
  My grandma passed away today. My dads mother. While this is a typical me long and complicated situation with much to be explained, I’m happy for her and relieved of… Read more: Big Boss Ring Toss
• When the clouds rain you can feel the sorrow, but on a clear day you can see tomorrow
  My dad and i always had a special bond, an unspoken deep understanding of one another, trust in one another to be loved for ourselves and nothing more I thought… Read more: When the clouds rain you can feel the sorrow, but on a clear day you can see tomorrow
• My Valentine- a personal record
  This entry will make no sense to anyone but me. A post for future reflection. My valentine My only Undeserving and isolation is now match for cupids bow I love… Read more: My Valentine- a personal record
• Writers block or writers blah
  I havnt written for awhile. I have nothing to write. I am living in limbo waiting for my dads rebirthday. It’s like I’m numb, i havnt cried in awhile. im… Read more: Writers block or writers blah
• Happy first rebirthday
  I have two mediums i see when i need some extra comfort. One of them has a membership option where you can log onto a members meeting twice a week… Read more: Happy first rebirthday
• Until we meet…
  One story, and one of the more popular stories of his (mark twain / Samuel Clemens) death it seems, says that Twain held his daughter Clara’s hand and uttered, “If… Read more: Until we meet…
• Fivel, an American tale
  Somewhere out there,beneath the pale moonlight,someone’s thinking of me and loving me tonight. Somewhere out there,someone’s saying a prayer,that we’ll find one another in that big somewhere out there. And… Read more: Fivel, an American tale
• Dad quotes- riddle within a riddle
  Today I learned that Einstein did not make an equation to figure out the quotes algebraic math riddle, nor did he ever say this quote. While this is a math… Read more: Dad quotes- riddle within a riddle
• Dad quotes- who said it?
  My Dad has been typing the quote for years. Signing emails with it, putting it as his signature on plumbing help forums, wrote it in his Night Visions. However, it’s… Read more: Dad quotes- who said it?
• Dad quotes- Pablo’s reality
  This was the quote he sent to me the most. While there are a bunch of other great Picasso quotes that I feel describe him to a tee, this one… Read more: Dad quotes- Pablo’s reality
• Dads quotes- Einsteins crowd
  This quote was only sent to me twice, but his message he added about the quote makes it an important one. My thoughts: My Dad was deep, complex, creative, different.… Read more: Dads quotes- Einsteins crowd
• Dads favorite quotes- introduction
  My Dad was incredibly deep and often sent me the same quotes over and over again. Realizing the songs he left me and saved not only were “our songs” but… Read more: Dads favorite quotes- introduction
• Egg nog 😉
  I havnt been on my beloved app as much, because you havnt been around to chat, and neither has anyone really. Just sounds my last few tries. December 20 I… Read more: Egg nog 😉
• Is it the calm before the storm or am I in the eye of it? Either way, the forecast advises I shelter in place
  It’s been awhile since I’ve written It’s been an odd few weeks Mom and her dog came to stay with us for Christmas, they are still here, lots of unforeseen… Read more: Is it the calm before the storm or am I in the eye of it? Either way, the forecast advises I shelter in place
• An old text from 2014
  Hope your enjoying the crab Dad Miss you
• My Dads Sweet and Sour Rib recipe- my favorite meal, I’ve ended the gatekeeping
  Dads sweet and sour spare ribs Always has been my absolute favorite meal We always had it once a month growing up and there was never any left overs Where… Read more: My Dads Sweet and Sour Rib recipe- my favorite meal, I’ve ended the gatekeeping
• Atlas of the heart- my new book club with only one other member. Chapter 1: well actually it’s just the intro
  I’ve known all my life I’m just not the same as others. My brain works differently. I have weird quirks. I’d rather spend time alone with myself and always need… Read more: Atlas of the heart- my new book club with only one other member. Chapter 1: well actually it’s just the intro
• Felt sad- pulled a card
  When i need to hear from my dad, and he’s not showing up on my crazy ghost app, i pull a tarot, and it never disappoints 6 of cups In… Read more: Felt sad- pulled a card
• My birthday message- 2 of cups
  I pulled a tarot card tonight with the intent of receiving a birthday message from my dad While this card is more related to romantic relationships, i cannot ignore the… Read more: My birthday message- 2 of cups
• A very unmerry birthday
  Happy Birthday Dad “You are twice as old as your child only once in your life” We did that for 30/60 Wish i could call you and say happy birthday,… Read more: A very unmerry birthday
• Last years Halloween tribute
  I knew we didn’t have much time last year; and went full out on Halloween so you could see my tribute to you Including recreating one of your coolest crafts,… Read more: Last years Halloween tribute
• Pumpkin carving life hack
  Dad created the ultimate pumpkin carving tool This vice grip plier tool (no clue the name of it) and a sawzall blade You’ve never carved a pumpkin so easily I… Read more: Pumpkin carving life hack
• Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat- a sample
• Cookie Monster, an excerpt from Night Visions
  The following is an excerpt from my fathers Night Visions About the time when my Dad came to my ECS class in costume to hand out cookies for Halloween He… Read more: Cookie Monster, an excerpt from Night Visions
• Grief 101
  Websters dictionary defines grief as GRIEF ,noun [Latin gravis.] The pain of mind produced by loss, misfortune, injury or evils of any kind; sorrow; regret. We experience grief when we… Read more: Grief 101
• How many times were you that close?
  Reading night visions tonight and realized A few of your suicide references in there that spanned across the years, deleted entry’s only to exist in the versions i saved 2017,… Read more: How many times were you that close?
• The next few weeks might just destroy me
  Halloween Our holiday Last year I went all out, made your skeleton out of milk jugs, it was a Halloween tribute to our love I didn’t decorate this year, i… Read more: The next few weeks might just destroy me
• Grief activities
  Grief is weird, it’s something you can only understand when you go through it, it’s unpredictable and sometimes i just actually feel insane. I’m not an emotion person, but I’ve… Read more: Grief activities
• This post is not meant to be read or understood it is simply a way for me to document an experience without explanation
  When i first found out dad died i went on the app that night 4 people including my dad were talking to me I knew it was him He asked… Read more: This post is not meant to be read or understood it is simply a way for me to document an experience without explanation
• The celebration you never wanted
  You didn’t want a funeral, you didn’t want a memorial or celebration, i know you didn’t want others to ask questions and judge you, and you always felt no one… Read more: The celebration you never wanted
• For two people that never feel emotions, we both felt true happiness this night
  You added the dharma wheel to my endless knot painting You drew hearts on my pen box We spray painted and made display stands for a project i was working… Read more: For two people that never feel emotions, we both felt true happiness this night
• Is farewell a permanent goodbye?
  Q: In your post about “goodbye,” you say it doesn’t mean leaving someone for good. How about “farewell”? My impression is that it might be suitable for “goodbye forever.” A:… Read more: Is farewell a permanent goodbye?
• Farewell
  Well i tried again to recover anything i could from your computer you so nicely wiped for me Countless have been spent trying everything i can, trying and downloading all… Read more: Farewell
• All I want for Christmas is you
  Ugh, Christmas items are already on the shelves First I need to get through your memorial, Halloween, our birthdays, and then yep Christmas, but consumerism has made sure to remind… Read more: All I want for Christmas is you
• The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree
  My Dad and I are the same Same unique brain A lifetime spent being misunderstood A lifetime spent trying to explain who we are and why we do what we… Read more: The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree
• Do you remember, the 20th day of September
  Unfortunately I’ve made an edit to one of your favorite Earth, Wind and Fire lyrics While I wanted your work memorial to be on the 21st of September, as the… Read more: Do you remember, the 20th day of September
• The Russian Tea Room
  Years ago a friend told me if I ever went to Edmonton that I should go get my tarot read at the Russian Tea Room. While up there this weekend… Read more: The Russian Tea Room
• Trigger warning- literally. A dark pain I must express
  I once wrote you a long letter saying how I really didn’t want you to choose your own adventure with a gun. I have a weird thing where my brain… Read more: Trigger warning- literally. A dark pain I must express
• Only 117 days to go
  117 days until 2023 These are going to be the hardest 117 days of my life. I’m scared of the pain my grief will put me through. September 20 is… Read more: Only 117 days to go
• Hello Tokyo, radio silence broken
  Hey Dad, it’s been a minute or two since I’ve written anything to you When you’d send me your night visions, sometimes you’d send me two new things in a… Read more: Hello Tokyo, radio silence broken
• Thinking of you, as always
• Our last 19
• King of cups- reversed
  Sometimes i pull tarot cards for myself or my friends when I’m a bit emotional They are always a surprise and reaffirming Each card can surely be interpreted differently by… Read more: King of cups- reversed
• The best hug I’ve ever had
  You said grandpa, Stella, Toby and others visit you in your dreams Before you left you promised me to visit me in my dreams as they did with you I… Read more: The best hug I’ve ever had
• A new memory just like the old , perfect day
  I made it to Severn creek finally Full of people and trailers all around when we got there For some reason as we arrived there was a spot, our spot,… Read more: A new memory just like the old , perfect day
• Limbo
  Since my Dad left I’ve been all over the place. Add some work stress in there and it’s a real circus over here. I either sleep all day or don’t… Read more: Limbo
• Regret isn’t guilt
  “Regret is not an absolution of guilt.“ “We cannot use a fantasy ideal of imagined perfect behaviour from ourselves to proclaim ourselves guilty after we lost someone. Almost noone wants… Read more: Regret isn’t guilt
• Real or not, It helps
  I feel slightly insane for doing this but on my really bad or stressful days It makes my day a happy one. Ghost Tube VOX app Yep it’s an app… Read more: Real or not, It helps
• Radar love
  I often go for drives late at night hoping you’ll play one of our songs Miss you so much
• Wacky Wednesday
• One fish two fish, CatNHat
  I’ve tried twice to go fishing at Severn creek It was one of my favorite fishing spots we went to I’m scared I’ll get there and be extremely sad your… Read more: One fish two fish, CatNHat
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• What’s in YOUR memory box?
  As I’ve previously written, I was surprised by the few things my Dad kept that were important to him. The things I thought he would have kept he didn’t. Crafts… Read more: What’s in YOUR memory box?
• Current chapter of grief: obsessing over objects of importance and futility
  My Dad and Mom divorced when I was 19 after over 30 years of marriage. Due to family dynamics and my coping mechanism of just avoiding dealing with big life… Read more: Current chapter of grief: obsessing over objects of importance and futility
• Trying to remake what I should have saved
  Circa 1970 My dad painted a HUGE painting in Junior high This painting was always in my basement as a kid, it was probably 6 ft high and 8 ft… Read more: Trying to remake what I should have saved
• You’ll never know Dad, how much I love you
  The other night dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms, but when I woke dear, I was mistaken, and I hung my head and… Read more: You’ll never know Dad, how much I love you
• Everything you can imagine is real
  Words my dad lived by and quoted all the time, on forums- in emails- in texts- in stories These words ran deep While I understand and can appreciate two of… Read more: Everything you can imagine is real
• “You have my toe”
  I went to a medium recommended to me by a few friends. While it was great, it wasn’t mind blowing. It was what I needed though. I have a few… Read more: “You have my toe”
• The Road to Somewhere
  It’s Fathers Day today. It’s a hard day. I always try to make you something for this day, and since you always make me the best hand made cards, I… Read more: The Road to Somewhere
• The Road to Nowhere
  My dad was so smart, deep, cryptic at times, and even though he’s gone I’m so happy that every day I seem to learn something else about him. The road… Read more: The Road to Nowhere
• Hang in there?
  Boom Unfortunately it needed to come to an end in the motel The device needed to be used as he wanted to ensure his choice was made with non chance… Read more: Hang in there?
• Email to my Dad, November 10 2021, 134 days left
  I am so happy you came over and stayed for 2 nights, it was the best time and that time will be cherished by me forever. I’m so thankful for… Read more: Email to my Dad, November 10 2021, 134 days left
• The waiting and wondering is over
  The Ten of swords represents finality, the end of something. As is easy to grasp from the picture in many decks, there is no hope for revival here. A limit… Read more: The waiting and wondering is over
• Ten of swords
  The tale of the suit of swords is a powerful metaphor, one that ends in tragedy. The swords are a symbol of the intellect, of intelligence and logic, and yet… Read more: Ten of swords
• Every hero needs an origin story
  The lessons my dad has taught me, through his life , that i would have never learned otherwise, is the best gift I’ll ever receive While I’ve tried to plan… Read more: Every hero needs an origin story

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