It’s finally time i grew up, it’s finally time to have a kid, I’ve put it off long enough, and time is running out

I had a great childhood

My dad always said i need to have a kid to get my shit together, he said it from experience, and he’s right

I could live the rest of my life happily married, we both have amazing jobs, my husband is amazing and would be a great dad, he’s getting older, I’ve already seen the world, I’ve done everything I’ve really wanted to, and i keep putting off having a kid for new adventures- but really I’m just filling a void- it’s time

I’m scared, I’m scared about all of it, pregnancy with my medical conditions- birth- post partum depression- being responsible for a child- giving up sleep and personal time and hobbies- giving up being selfish

But if i continue how i am, thats not life, and my dad is right- a kid will make me get my shit together, and like him, will be the most rewarding and meaningful and amazing thing i could ever to in my life

To prepare, because I’m a planner and thrive on rules and expectations and outlines, I’ve written 5-6 questions for my husband and i to answer separately about having a kid. That way we can share each of our personal views and values about having a kid, and plan together how to ensure each others concerns and priorities are planned for

While this has a longer origin story i may tell later, i want to make sure we are on the same page with values and parenting and with what each other may need or struggle with so we can make sure to take care of ourselves and relationship in the chaos of bringing a child into the world

The questions i wrote for us both to take time to answer and talk about later were:

What are 3 things your worried about that will personally affect you when we have a kid

What are 3 things your worried about regarding each other with having a kid or parenting

What are 3 things your worried about after we have a kid that will affect our relationship

What are 3 things you really want to make sure the kid knows or does or has values for

What are 3 behaviors or values you want the kid to not learn or do

We havnt had the discussion about the questions yet, but lately our personal life has been a bit chaotic causing us to have some fights, and he brought up one of his answers to my kid questions during our fight

For question 1, he said his biggest fear is my dads death will continue to impact me forever including when we have a kid, he said he’s concern I’ll isolate myself in sadness and grief (as i have been doing) a number of times a year and leave him and the kid alone and be unable to overcome my dads death and my current isolating coping mechanisms

This has struck me and I’m unsure how to feel about this still

My number one answer to that question (which i didn’t share with him) i now realize is a selfish but true answer, my answer is with my medical issues and being tired and feeling like shit I’m scared I’ll be too exhausted or have a flare and he will be upset when i need time to sleep and recover during my medical problem flares

His answer was his concern over my grief, he does not hold my medical stuff and it’s affects against me, but i realize as much as I’m absent and sleeping for those reasons, I’m absent and disassociating and isolating just as much with grief for my dad

I’m having a kid because i want to, because my husband wants to, but I’m encouraged and know it’s the right choice because of words from my dad, yet it’s my grief over my dad that’s holding me back and also the biggest concern for my husband

It’s a juxtaposition for me, but it’s the truth

I’ll never get over my grief for my dad, I’ll never stop missing him every day, I’ll never stop talking to him where ever he is, and although i thought after 4 years I’ve been doing better (which i have been)- i guess to my husband i have not been doing ok- and that’s an outside perspective i value

Although i think he cannot relate as he has not lost a parent, and no one can relate to the bond my dad and I had, and I’ll never get over losing him- i need to realize my grief will always remain, the love of my life is concerned for me (although he never has said anything before), and my dad wouldn’t want me to isolate myself missing him and miss out on life and having a kid and be stuck in this pattern that won’t change that he’s somewhere else

I’m not sure how to move on, I thought i slowly was

I’m not sure what to think or feel about my husbands statement and what to do about it, but he’s right, and i needed that caring perspective, and maybe writing it out will help me figure out whatever i need to in this moment