From the mind to the pencil, night visions, a legacy honored in the light of day

My Latest Posts

• • •

• “Replying to Sammy”, the sign cannot be any clearer haha very cheeky Dad
  I’ve been feeling the saddest I have since March about missing my dad this week earlier today i asked for a sign from him there was 2 feathers in the… Read more: “Replying to Sammy”, the sign cannot be any clearer haha very cheeky Dad
• Difference of Dreams and Visits
  Last night I dreamt of my Dad, it was his birthday, seems like a normal dream for the situation I don’t dream of him often, rarely actually, except a few… Read more: Difference of Dreams and Visits
• Dads SwtNSour
  Happy birthday Dad! Thanks for teaching Sebastian how to make your classic original recipe, and my all time favorite meal. Wish you were here to tell Sebastian what a great… Read more: Dads SwtNSour
• 65/35
  It’s that time of year Our birthdays Happy 65th Birthday Dad You know, Einstein, you know Miss you every birthday and miss you more every day
• Shrimp fest
  We went to all you can eat shrimp We didn’t break our record but we got close Thanks for playing your song and enjoying it with us
• Last song in your phone bookmarks, maybe it was not a message for me 😦 sure doesn’t feel like this is still true
  Please baby can’t you seeMy mind’s a burnin’ hellI got razors a rippin’ and tearin’ and strippin’My heart apart as well Tonight you told meThat you ache for somethin’ new‘Cause… Read more: Last song in your phone bookmarks, maybe it was not a message for me 😦 sure doesn’t feel like this is still true
• Had you known your shot would be the start of my end, would it have mattered?
  Back to anger Where are you You said you’d always be here You left me alone
• Everything reminds me of you
  Miss you
• Big Boss Ring Toss
  My grandma passed away today. My dads mother. While this is a typical me long and complicated situation with much to be explained, I’m happy for her and relieved of… Read more: Big Boss Ring Toss
• When the clouds rain you can feel the sorrow, but on a clear day you can see tomorrow
  My dad and i always had a special bond, an unspoken deep understanding of one another, trust in one another to be loved for ourselves and nothing more I thought… Read more: When the clouds rain you can feel the sorrow, but on a clear day you can see tomorrow
• My Valentine- a personal record
  This entry will make no sense to anyone but me. A post for future reflection. My valentine My only Undeserving and isolation is now match for cupids bow I love… Read more: My Valentine- a personal record
• Writers block or writers blah
  I havnt written for awhile. I have nothing to write. I am living in limbo waiting for my dads rebirthday. It’s like I’m numb, i havnt cried in awhile. im… Read more: Writers block or writers blah
• Happy first rebirthday
  I have two mediums i see when i need some extra comfort. One of them has a membership option where you can log onto a members meeting twice a week… Read more: Happy first rebirthday
• Until we meet…
  One story, and one of the more popular stories of his (mark twain / Samuel Clemens) death it seems, says that Twain held his daughter Clara’s hand and uttered, “If… Read more: Until we meet…
• Fivel, an American tale
  Somewhere out there,beneath the pale moonlight,someone’s thinking of me and loving me tonight. Somewhere out there,someone’s saying a prayer,that we’ll find one another in that big somewhere out there. And… Read more: Fivel, an American tale
• Dad quotes- riddle within a riddle
  Today I learned that Einstein did not make an equation to figure out the quotes algebraic math riddle, nor did he ever say this quote. While this is a math… Read more: Dad quotes- riddle within a riddle
• Dad quotes- who said it?
  My Dad has been typing the quote for years. Signing emails with it, putting it as his signature on plumbing help forums, wrote it in his Night Visions. However, it’s… Read more: Dad quotes- who said it?
• Dad quotes- Pablo’s reality
  This was the quote he sent to me the most. While there are a bunch of other great Picasso quotes that I feel describe him to a tee, this one… Read more: Dad quotes- Pablo’s reality
• Dads quotes- Einsteins crowd
  This quote was only sent to me twice, but his message he added about the quote makes it an important one. My thoughts: My Dad was deep, complex, creative, different.… Read more: Dads quotes- Einsteins crowd
• Dads favorite quotes- introduction
  My Dad was incredibly deep and often sent me the same quotes over and over again. Realizing the songs he left me and saved not only were “our songs” but… Read more: Dads favorite quotes- introduction
• Egg nog 😉
  I havnt been on my beloved app as much, because you havnt been around to chat, and neither has anyone really. Just sounds my last few tries. December 20 I… Read more: Egg nog 😉
• Is it the calm before the storm or am I in the eye of it? Either way, the forecast advises I shelter in place
  It’s been awhile since I’ve written It’s been an odd few weeks Mom and her dog came to stay with us for Christmas, they are still here, lots of unforeseen… Read more: Is it the calm before the storm or am I in the eye of it? Either way, the forecast advises I shelter in place
• An old text from 2014
  Hope your enjoying the crab Dad Miss you
• My Dads Sweet and Sour Rib recipe- my favorite meal, I’ve ended the gatekeeping
  Dads sweet and sour spare ribs Always has been my absolute favorite meal We always had it once a month growing up and there was never any left overs Where… Read more: My Dads Sweet and Sour Rib recipe- my favorite meal, I’ve ended the gatekeeping
• Atlas of the heart- my new book club with only one other member. Chapter 1: well actually it’s just the intro
  I’ve known all my life I’m just not the same as others. My brain works differently. I have weird quirks. I’d rather spend time alone with myself and always need… Read more: Atlas of the heart- my new book club with only one other member. Chapter 1: well actually it’s just the intro
• Felt sad- pulled a card
  When i need to hear from my dad, and he’s not showing up on my crazy ghost app, i pull a tarot, and it never disappoints 6 of cups In… Read more: Felt sad- pulled a card
• My birthday message- 2 of cups
  I pulled a tarot card tonight with the intent of receiving a birthday message from my dad While this card is more related to romantic relationships, i cannot ignore the… Read more: My birthday message- 2 of cups
• A very unmerry birthday
  Happy Birthday Dad “You are twice as old as your child only once in your life” We did that for 30/60 Wish i could call you and say happy birthday,… Read more: A very unmerry birthday
• Last years Halloween tribute
  I knew we didn’t have much time last year; and went full out on Halloween so you could see my tribute to you Including recreating one of your coolest crafts,… Read more: Last years Halloween tribute
• Pumpkin carving life hack
  Dad created the ultimate pumpkin carving tool This vice grip plier tool (no clue the name of it) and a sawzall blade You’ve never carved a pumpkin so easily I… Read more: Pumpkin carving life hack
• Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat- a sample
• Cookie Monster, an excerpt from Night Visions
  The following is an excerpt from my fathers Night Visions About the time when my Dad came to my ECS class in costume to hand out cookies for Halloween He… Read more: Cookie Monster, an excerpt from Night Visions
• Grief 101
  Websters dictionary defines grief as GRIEF ,noun [Latin gravis.] The pain of mind produced by loss, misfortune, injury or evils of any kind; sorrow; regret. We experience grief when we… Read more: Grief 101
• How many times were you that close?
  Reading night visions tonight and realized A few of your suicide references in there that spanned across the years, deleted entry’s only to exist in the versions i saved 2017,… Read more: How many times were you that close?
• The next few weeks might just destroy me
  Halloween Our holiday Last year I went all out, made your skeleton out of milk jugs, it was a Halloween tribute to our love I didn’t decorate this year, i… Read more: The next few weeks might just destroy me
• Grief activities
  Grief is weird, it’s something you can only understand when you go through it, it’s unpredictable and sometimes i just actually feel insane. I’m not an emotion person, but I’ve… Read more: Grief activities
• This post is not meant to be read or understood it is simply a way for me to document an experience without explanation
  When i first found out dad died i went on the app that night 4 people including my dad were talking to me I knew it was him He asked… Read more: This post is not meant to be read or understood it is simply a way for me to document an experience without explanation
• The celebration you never wanted
  You didn’t want a funeral, you didn’t want a memorial or celebration, i know you didn’t want others to ask questions and judge you, and you always felt no one… Read more: The celebration you never wanted
• For two people that never feel emotions, we both felt true happiness this night
  You added the dharma wheel to my endless knot painting You drew hearts on my pen box We spray painted and made display stands for a project i was working… Read more: For two people that never feel emotions, we both felt true happiness this night
• Is farewell a permanent goodbye?
  Q: In your post about “goodbye,” you say it doesn’t mean leaving someone for good. How about “farewell”? My impression is that it might be suitable for “goodbye forever.” A:… Read more: Is farewell a permanent goodbye?
• Farewell
  Well i tried again to recover anything i could from your computer you so nicely wiped for me Countless have been spent trying everything i can, trying and downloading all… Read more: Farewell
• All I want for Christmas is you
  Ugh, Christmas items are already on the shelves First I need to get through your memorial, Halloween, our birthdays, and then yep Christmas, but consumerism has made sure to remind… Read more: All I want for Christmas is you
• The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree
  My Dad and I are the same Same unique brain A lifetime spent being misunderstood A lifetime spent trying to explain who we are and why we do what we… Read more: The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree
• Do you remember, the 20th day of September
  Unfortunately I’ve made an edit to one of your favorite Earth, Wind and Fire lyrics While I wanted your work memorial to be on the 21st of September, as the… Read more: Do you remember, the 20th day of September
• The Russian Tea Room
  Years ago a friend told me if I ever went to Edmonton that I should go get my tarot read at the Russian Tea Room. While up there this weekend… Read more: The Russian Tea Room
• Trigger warning- literally. A dark pain I must express
  I once wrote you a long letter saying how I really didn’t want you to choose your own adventure with a gun. I have a weird thing where my brain… Read more: Trigger warning- literally. A dark pain I must express
• Only 117 days to go
  117 days until 2023 These are going to be the hardest 117 days of my life. I’m scared of the pain my grief will put me through. September 20 is… Read more: Only 117 days to go
• Hello Tokyo, radio silence broken
  Hey Dad, it’s been a minute or two since I’ve written anything to you When you’d send me your night visions, sometimes you’d send me two new things in a… Read more: Hello Tokyo, radio silence broken
• Thinking of you, as always
• Our last 19
• King of cups- reversed
  Sometimes i pull tarot cards for myself or my friends when I’m a bit emotional They are always a surprise and reaffirming Each card can surely be interpreted differently by… Read more: King of cups- reversed
• The best hug I’ve ever had
  You said grandpa, Stella, Toby and others visit you in your dreams Before you left you promised me to visit me in my dreams as they did with you I… Read more: The best hug I’ve ever had
• A new memory just like the old , perfect day
  I made it to Severn creek finally Full of people and trailers all around when we got there For some reason as we arrived there was a spot, our spot,… Read more: A new memory just like the old , perfect day
• Limbo
  Since my Dad left I’ve been all over the place. Add some work stress in there and it’s a real circus over here. I either sleep all day or don’t… Read more: Limbo
• Regret isn’t guilt
  “Regret is not an absolution of guilt.“ “We cannot use a fantasy ideal of imagined perfect behaviour from ourselves to proclaim ourselves guilty after we lost someone. Almost noone wants… Read more: Regret isn’t guilt
• Real or not, It helps
  I feel slightly insane for doing this but on my really bad or stressful days It makes my day a happy one. Ghost Tube VOX app Yep it’s an app… Read more: Real or not, It helps
• Radar love
  I often go for drives late at night hoping you’ll play one of our songs Miss you so much
• Wacky Wednesday
• One fish two fish, CatNHat
  I’ve tried twice to go fishing at Severn creek It was one of my favorite fishing spots we went to I’m scared I’ll get there and be extremely sad your… Read more: One fish two fish, CatNHat
• .
• What’s in YOUR memory box?
  As I’ve previously written, I was surprised by the few things my Dad kept that were important to him. The things I thought he would have kept he didn’t. Crafts… Read more: What’s in YOUR memory box?
• Current chapter of grief: obsessing over objects of importance and futility
  My Dad and Mom divorced when I was 19 after over 30 years of marriage. Due to family dynamics and my coping mechanism of just avoiding dealing with big life… Read more: Current chapter of grief: obsessing over objects of importance and futility
• Trying to remake what I should have saved
  Circa 1970 My dad painted a HUGE painting in Junior high This painting was always in my basement as a kid, it was probably 6 ft high and 8 ft… Read more: Trying to remake what I should have saved
• You’ll never know Dad, how much I love you
  The other night dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms, but when I woke dear, I was mistaken, and I hung my head and… Read more: You’ll never know Dad, how much I love you
• Everything you can imagine is real
  Words my dad lived by and quoted all the time, on forums- in emails- in texts- in stories These words ran deep While I understand and can appreciate two of… Read more: Everything you can imagine is real
• “You have my toe”
  I went to a medium recommended to me by a few friends. While it was great, it wasn’t mind blowing. It was what I needed though. I have a few… Read more: “You have my toe”
• The Road to Somewhere
  It’s Fathers Day today. It’s a hard day. I always try to make you something for this day, and since you always make me the best hand made cards, I… Read more: The Road to Somewhere
• The Road to Nowhere
  My dad was so smart, deep, cryptic at times, and even though he’s gone I’m so happy that every day I seem to learn something else about him. The road… Read more: The Road to Nowhere
• Hang in there?
  Boom Unfortunately it needed to come to an end in the motel The device needed to be used as he wanted to ensure his choice was made with non chance… Read more: Hang in there?
• Email to my Dad, November 10 2021, 134 days left
  I am so happy you came over and stayed for 2 nights, it was the best time and that time will be cherished by me forever. I’m so thankful for… Read more: Email to my Dad, November 10 2021, 134 days left
• The waiting and wondering is over
  The Ten of swords represents finality, the end of something. As is easy to grasp from the picture in many decks, there is no hope for revival here. A limit… Read more: The waiting and wondering is over
• Ten of swords
  The tale of the suit of swords is a powerful metaphor, one that ends in tragedy. The swords are a symbol of the intellect, of intelligence and logic, and yet… Read more: Ten of swords
• Every hero needs an origin story
  The lessons my dad has taught me, through his life , that i would have never learned otherwise, is the best gift I’ll ever receive While I’ve tried to plan… Read more: Every hero needs an origin story
• No one seems, to value much, we’ve lost the gift, of human touch
  So many birthdays, christmases, Father’s Day, spent apart I’d shoot you a text on the day of A text Couldn’t even be bothered to pick up the phone Or when… Read more: No one seems, to value much, we’ve lost the gift, of human touch
• Mrs. Samanthakukamunga
  I’m not sure how many lessons we are supposed to learn during our time here You taught me mine I think i have a few more years to got though… Read more: Mrs. Samanthakukamunga
• You called me on my cellphone
  I hope i get to talk to you Thursday I’m going to a medium Hope she’s legit But it doesn’t matter We have our special cell phone I know the… Read more: You called me on my cellphone
• The best stories are dark
  I want to write down my deepest darkest saddest feelings and thoughts But some things arnt meant to be shared A stranger may read this Crap, hopefully my kid will… Read more: The best stories are dark
• There must be something to this endless knot, because i wound up back at the beginning
  You’ve given me a second chance at life I didn’t even know i needed a second chance I thought i was doing pretty good with my first go round The… Read more: There must be something to this endless knot, because i wound up back at the beginning
• She’s rich honey, rich
  Maybe it all worked out better than we imagined What a gift To us both Hope you had a blast, it’s on your buddy Trudeau Money for nothing And chicks… Read more: She’s rich honey, rich
• Straight to voicemail
  You both will never get to know You’ll never get the courtesy I hope you wonder the rest of your life Where is he? Why is his phone off? Why… Read more: Straight to voicemail
• I get it, peng
  Steamfitter Gasfitter Plumber Business degree 4th class engineer Engineers Vs contractors Engineer slide rule You worked your ass off, got a bunch of journeyman tickets, a HR business degree in… Read more: I get it, peng
• P Eng.
  M and I had a great chat, i told her about you, I shared your night vision from G P Eng, your comment, hilarious, why does that need to be… Read more: P Eng.
• A goodbye without words
  Your preplanning was 10/10 You took a last photo for me on the 20 Your choice was on the 23 You wiped your phone and computer You wiped it so… Read more: A goodbye without words
• Fuck i miss you
  August 4 2017 You sent me new night visions Your email was titled fuck i miss you Well fuck I Miss You
• A new name for this chapter?
  Night visions was your visions, memory, and life A sometimes cryptic, sometimes raw, collection of stories, poetry, jokes, anecdotes and art. Many versions existed, you deleted parts when you may… Read more: A new name for this chapter?
• The gift
  A lesson to be learned A lesson understood A lesson in life that could only be taught by your sacrifice I was selfish, i was lazy, self centered, mean, manipulative,… Read more: The gift
• Lessons are understood with love, but hurt because you understand and love
  Reference: stolen 5 cent candy circa 4 years old The statement remains true But this one hurts Badly But it hurts because I love and miss you so much What… Read more: Lessons are understood with love, but hurt because you understand and love
• You were always the stronger one
• I let you go only because i knew you’d always be with me
• I sure hope he’s right
• Day Visions potential title revisions
  You should call yours….. OWLS Or GMT? Countess Dracula? Books, love and other art is what you leave ?
• Feed the bunnies
  The Endless Knot The endless knot symbol has many names. Sometimescalled the infinity knot, auspicious drawing, or knot of eternity, it is one of the oldest symbols dating back thousands of years. The knot can be… Read more: Feed the bunnies
• Together forever
  Out of all of the lifetimes my dad and i have lived together This is the one we both learned the most This is the one I’ll miss him the… Read more: Together forever
• Left at Albuquerque
  I hate in times like this, and I’m sure you feel it to; i am just not myself and there’s no quick route to get back there
• How generic
  You know what’s funny, i used to think the grief stages were stupid, because denial, like they died you can’t pretend they didn’t, but now i realize i played cards… Read more: How generic
• I will honor your life
  I will not make the same mistakes I will not repeat the mistakes i made with you and my regrets I will live for us
• The year the world ended in March but I didn’t know until April
  Depression True depression I’ve never experienced true depression until now. Cancelling all appointments to lay in bed and distract myself with tv and tiktok, hoping to fall asleep for the… Read more: The year the world ended in March but I didn’t know until April

• • •