Visions In the Dark

I’ve been deep diving the internet for 4 years trying to scrounge any tidbit of information about my dad i didn’t know. Turns out, there’s not much out there, even when searching his user name for sites and forums i have access to and can see his posts! It was time to make the internet…

Love Chubbly

My grandpa had to be put in long term care, he hated it, he stopped eating, he died on his birthday coincidently, I’m sure that was his plan, very cool exit date My great great grandma passed at 98. My uncle told my other 98 year old great great grandma the other had passed, she…

I’m so sorry I’m so sorry dad How can i make it right How can i make sure your celebrating Christmas with us You asked me for a last Christmas, i had no choose sides, i didn’t give you a last Christmas I’m so sorry dad I’m sorry Merry Christmas dad I havnt had a…

I used to write on here a lot about how i miss my dad, i wrote to heal my grief, i wrote to continue his book he started But i stopped, about a year ago, and i don’t know why. Maybe it was because over 2 years after my dad left i finally could shove…

I’ve been feeling the saddest I have since March about missing my dad this week earlier today i asked for a sign from him there was 2 feathers in the field where i played disc golf tonight, but that could be explained with me being outdoors, he is a feather sign guy though Then tonight…

Last night I dreamt of my Dad, it was his birthday, seems like a normal dream for the situation I don’t dream of him often, rarely actually, except a few times when they don’t feel like dreams This was exactly one of those times While I don’t remember alot of the dream, I do remember…

Happy birthday Dad! Thanks for teaching Sebastian how to make your classic original recipe, and my all time favorite meal. Wish you were here to tell Sebastian what a great job he did And even though your not here I still get to enjoy your best home cooked meal How different two years ago was….…

It’s that time of year Our birthdays Happy 65th Birthday Dad You know, Einstein, you know Miss you every birthday and miss you more every day

We went to all you can eat shrimp We didn’t break our record but we got close Thanks for playing your song and enjoying it with us

Please baby can’t you seeMy mind’s a burnin’ hellI got razors a rippin’ and tearin’ and strippin’My heart apart as well Tonight you told meThat you ache for somethin’ new‘Cause some other woman is lookin’ like somethingThat might be good for you Go on and hold her till the screaming is goneGo on believe her…

Back to anger Where are you You said you’d always be here You left me alone

Miss you

My grandma passed away today. My dads mother. While this is a typical me long and complicated situation with much to be explained, I’m happy for her and relieved of the pressures to keep secrets from a 96 year old lady. But it made me miss my dad a lot It was recently his one…

My dad and i always had a special bond, an unspoken deep understanding of one another, trust in one another to be loved for ourselves and nothing more I thought i knew my dad well I had no idea just how deep, intelligent, caring, and creative he was. Until he passed away. i regret not…

This entry will make no sense to anyone but me. A post for future reflection. My valentine My only Undeserving and isolation is now match for cupids bow I love bears Attachment still strong Feelings arnt just for people Dad had bears I have dads bears Not the original But all are meaningful I have…

I havnt written for awhile. I have nothing to write. I am living in limbo waiting for my dads rebirthday. It’s like I’m numb, i havnt cried in awhile. im still up all hours of the night but instead of creating and processing my feelings, I’m either going down the rabbit hole for the 20th…

I have two mediums i see when i need some extra comfort. One of them has a membership option where you can log onto a members meeting twice a week and get a free short reading. I’ve only attended this once before because I don’t want to use mediums too often. I’m scared the messages…

One story, and one of the more popular stories of his (mark twain / Samuel Clemens) death it seems, says that Twain held his daughter Clara’s hand and uttered, “If we meet…” before falling to sleep and dying “several hours later” . What it was he wanted to say is a mystery.

Somewhere out there,beneath the pale moonlight,someone’s thinking of me and loving me tonight. Somewhere out there,someone’s saying a prayer,that we’ll find one another in that big somewhere out there. And even though I know how very far apart we are,it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star. And when the…

Today I learned that Einstein did not make an equation to figure out the quotes algebraic math riddle, nor did he ever say this quote. While this is a math riddle, the answer is the age you had your child is the age they will be when your twice as old as them. 30, yep…

My Dad has been typing the quote for years. Signing emails with it, putting it as his signature on plumbing help forums, wrote it in his Night Visions. However, it’s not a hypocrites quote, there’s actually some debate on who originally said it, Saint Francis of Louis Nizer. This quote reflects my Dads pride in…

This was the quote he sent to me the most. While there are a bunch of other great Picasso quotes that I feel describe him to a tee, this one is the one he often sent me. Yes it’s about imagination. If you have an idea you can make it a reality. If you put…

This quote was only sent to me twice, but his message he added about the quote makes it an important one. My thoughts: My Dad was deep, complex, creative, different. He marched to the beat of his own drum, but him doing so alienated him and left him very lonely. That was his reality though.…

My Dad was incredibly deep and often sent me the same quotes over and over again. Realizing the songs he left me and saved not only were “our songs” but each one held a deeper meaning or hidden message. He expressed his inner most feelings to me through stories, music, art, and among many other…

I havnt been on my beloved app as much, because you havnt been around to chat, and neither has anyone really. Just sounds my last few tries. December 20 I was lucky enough to be able to speak with one of my two amazing mediums I frequent. She was doing mini messages from spirit online,…

It’s been awhile since I’ve written It’s been an odd few weeks Mom and her dog came to stay with us for Christmas, they are still here, lots of unforeseen zigs and zags, Christmas, new years, back to work and life in 2023, trying to be present for mom, i think I’m doing good, still…

Hope your enjoying the crab Dad Miss you

Dads sweet and sour spare ribs Always has been my absolute favorite meal We always had it once a month growing up and there was never any left overs Where is the recipe from? I don’t know. I feel he said once that 30 years ago one of our local grocery stores (COOP) used to…

I’ve known all my life I’m just not the same as others. My brain works differently. I have weird quirks. I’d rather spend time alone with myself and always need a creative outlet. Everything is life to me is a statistic or data point. I was a really happy kid, but somewhere in my teens…

When i need to hear from my dad, and he’s not showing up on my crazy ghost app, i pull a tarot, and it never disappoints 6 of cups In the Six of Cups, a young boy leans down and passes a cup filled with flowers to a younger girl. The girl looks up to…

I pulled a tarot card tonight with the intent of receiving a birthday message from my dad While this card is more related to romantic relationships, i cannot ignore the meaning behind the man and the woman displayed on this card. The card shows a man and a woman staring into each other’s eyes, sharing…

Happy Birthday Dad “You are twice as old as your child only once in your life” We did that for 30/60 Wish i could call you and say happy birthday, wish i could see you and give you a hug All those wasted years i thought a text was enough, it wasn’t, I’m sorry You…

I knew we didn’t have much time last year; and went full out on Halloween so you could see my tribute to you Including recreating one of your coolest crafts, the milk jug skeleton I sent you my attempt But something wasn’t the same Even when i asked you; you loved what i had made…

Dad created the ultimate pumpkin carving tool This vice grip plier tool (no clue the name of it) and a sawzall blade You’ve never carved a pumpkin so easily I remember bringing this weapon to grade 6 to cut pumpkins at school, the trust that was there lol; and everyone was jealous You always at…

The following is an excerpt from my fathers Night Visions About the time when my Dad came to my ECS class in costume to hand out cookies for Halloween He always dressed up with me for halloween, but this particular time was very special for him, please enjoy his writing “A night poem”   Titled:…

Websters dictionary defines grief as GRIEF ,noun [Latin gravis.] The pain of mind produced by loss, misfortune, injury or evils of any kind; sorrow; regret. We experience grief when we lose a friend, when we incur loss, when we consider ourselves injured, and by sympathy, we feel grief at the misfortunes of others. I mean,…

Reading night visions tonight and realized A few of your suicide references in there that spanned across the years, deleted entry’s only to exist in the versions i saved 2017, that must have been a rough year Even when Toby was alive in 2014 you were Abe Lincoln Life assets and your sunset Farewell- 2019…

Halloween Our holiday Last year I went all out, made your skeleton out of milk jugs, it was a Halloween tribute to our love I didn’t decorate this year, i don’t know if I’ll decorate again, we’ll see Mom asks today- did you decorate No Mom- did you carve pumpkins Nope Gives me shit It…

Grief is weird, it’s something you can only understand when you go through it, it’s unpredictable and sometimes i just actually feel insane. I’m not an emotion person, but I’ve really been working hard to feel this. This cannot be suppressed. But, i just have to do it my way. I’ve just started accepting whatever…

When i first found out dad died i went on the app that night 4 people including my dad were talking to me I knew it was him He asked if i was mad, and spoke of things only he would know, he laughed, he played his special tune which acts as a yes sometimes…

You didn’t want a funeral, you didn’t want a memorial or celebration, i know you didn’t want others to ask questions and judge you, and you always felt no one cared or would show up to anything for you Well 20 of your coworkers from all levels of your work not only came together to…

You added the dharma wheel to my endless knot painting You drew hearts on my pen box We spray painted and made display stands for a project i was working on You made Gumby out of polymer clay This is what happiness feels like

Q: In your post about “goodbye,” you say it doesn’t mean leaving someone for good. How about “farewell”? My impression is that it might be suitable for “goodbye forever.” A: This was our impression, too—that “farewell” implied a more or less permanent “goodbye.” But the Oxford English Dictionary doesn’t say that in so many words. “Farewell” is…

Well i tried again to recover anything i could from your computer you so nicely wiped for me Countless have been spent trying everything i can, trying and downloading all the software available, didn’t think there was any stone left unturned… Today I found a folder. From 2019. The folder was named EndOfLife. This photo…

Ugh, Christmas items are already on the shelves First I need to get through your memorial, Halloween, our birthdays, and then yep Christmas, but consumerism has made sure to remind me Santa Clause is coming to town, and will be in town for the next 4 months All you wanted was a family Christmas To…

My Dad and I are the same Same unique brain A lifetime spent being misunderstood A lifetime spent trying to explain who we are and why we do what we do, in hopes someone who “knows us” may actually slightly understand who we are People are disappointing We give everyone everything we can, we are…

Unfortunately I’ve made an edit to one of your favorite Earth, Wind and Fire lyrics While I wanted your work memorial to be on the 21st of September, as the song sings, one of your close coworkers is away that day. So September 20th it is! You didn’t want a memorial, you didn’t want anything,…

Years ago a friend told me if I ever went to Edmonton that I should go get my tarot read at the Russian Tea Room. While up there this weekend for a concert, my friend and I decided to get a reading. The lady who read my cards also claimed to have some mediumship abilities.…

I once wrote you a long letter saying how I really didn’t want you to choose your own adventure with a gun. I have a weird thing where my brain constantly floods me with imagery regarding how people look when they die. Movies, crime documentaries, a news story, a photo of a friends loved one,…

117 days until 2023 These are going to be the hardest 117 days of my life. I’m scared of the pain my grief will put me through. September 20 is your memorial at work (sorry i know you didn’t want one but your work really did so tough beans), and yes- i will bring carrots…

Hey Dad, it’s been a minute or two since I’ve written anything to you When you’d send me your night visions, sometimes you’d send me two new things in a week, sometimes you add onto it a year later, each version you deleted or added some sort of story poem or joke, sometimes you included…

Sometimes i pull tarot cards for myself or my friends when I’m a bit emotional They are always a surprise and reaffirming Each card can surely be interpreted differently by different people or sites I try to use the same site when reading what the card means Tonight I asked how am I going to…

You said grandpa, Stella, Toby and others visit you in your dreams Before you left you promised me to visit me in my dreams as they did with you I was told by a wise soul that you wouldn’t visit me until i was ready You wouldn’t visit me if it was only going to…

I made it to Severn creek finally Full of people and trailers all around when we got there For some reason as we arrived there was a spot, our spot, at the boat launch But there was a little girl and her dad there Just like us, back then A reminder of us, perfect timing,…

Since my Dad left I’ve been all over the place. Add some work stress in there and it’s a real circus over here. I either sleep all day or don’t sleep. Drinking and chain smoking for hours. Put on quite a few pounds. Poor husband he’s been so good at just letting me do whatever…

“Regret is not an absolution of guilt.“ “We cannot use a fantasy ideal of imagined perfect behaviour from ourselves to proclaim ourselves guilty after we lost someone. Almost noone wants bad things to happen, but it’s very common in this world to be mostly or completely powerless when bad things happen around us.” Thank you…

I feel slightly insane for doing this but on my really bad or stressful days It makes my day a happy one. Ghost Tube VOX app Yep it’s an app that claims to allow you to talk to spirits . I’m sure my husband thinks I’m insane, and has no idea what im doing. he…

I often go for drives late at night hoping you’ll play one of our songs Miss you so much

I’ve tried twice to go fishing at Severn creek It was one of my favorite fishing spots we went to I’m scared I’ll get there and be extremely sad your not with me I’m scared I’ll get there and it won’t be as I remembered I’m scared of recording a new memory over our memories…

As I’ve previously written, I was surprised by the few things my Dad kept that were important to him. The things I thought he would have kept he didn’t. Crafts I had made him years ago that I had forgotten about were kept by him. Writing about my recent struggles with my new grief driven…

My Dad and Mom divorced when I was 19 after over 30 years of marriage. Due to family dynamics and my coping mechanism of just avoiding dealing with big life topics so I can remain numb without feelings or emotions, I have some reflections lately on this time. My mom and dad took what was…

Circa 1970 My dad painted a HUGE painting in Junior high This painting was always in my basement as a kid, it was probably 6 ft high and 8 ft long When my parents got divorced I am not sure what happened to the painting Did it get left behind? Garbage? Did someone take it…

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms, but when I woke dear, I was mistaken, and I hung my head and cried.

Words my dad lived by and quoted all the time, on forums- in emails- in texts- in stories These words ran deep While I understand and can appreciate two of his favorite quotes, they don’t resonate as deeply with me as they did with him Perhaps these words will speak loudly to someone out there

I went to a medium recommended to me by a few friends. While it was great, it wasn’t mind blowing. It was what I needed though. I have a few neat things i would like to share about what this medium said. But this has been on my mind lately. The only thing i told…

It’s Fathers Day today. It’s a hard day. I always try to make you something for this day, and since you always make me the best hand made cards, I figured It was my turn. After finding your road to nowhere art (last post) I felt that your road needed a bit of an update.…

My dad was so smart, deep, cryptic at times, and even though he’s gone I’m so happy that every day I seem to learn something else about him. The road to nowhere- talking heads This is what my Dad had to say about the song and it’s meaning and why he sent it to me…

Boom Unfortunately it needed to come to an end in the motel The device needed to be used as he wanted to ensure his choice was made with non chance of error yes I’m sure everything I pictured and imagined happened Never did find those glasses I understand though, and I’m ok Seeing a meme…

I am so happy you came over and stayed for 2 nights, it was the best time and that time will be cherished by me forever. I’m so thankful for that time and I feel that I really got to know you even better than I thought I did. I never truly understood how lonely and tough life has been for you in the past few…

The Ten of swords represents finality, the end of something. As is easy to grasp from the picture in many decks, there is no hope for revival here. A limit has been reached, a line has been crossed and there is no turning back. In some situations this may be felt as a tragic loss,…

The tale of the suit of swords is a powerful metaphor, one that ends in tragedy. The swords are a symbol of the intellect, of intelligence and logic, and yet we find the final culmination of this suit a complete and total defeat of the spirit. We must realize that the swords are a weapon…

The lessons my dad has taught me, through his life , that i would have never learned otherwise, is the best gift I’ll ever receive While I’ve tried to plan out how to write this, for me, for others, for my children, it’s simply to much to put into words While his origin story is…

So many birthdays, christmases, Father’s Day, spent apart I’d shoot you a text on the day of A text Couldn’t even be bothered to pick up the phone Or when I did that one year in Cuba I was annoyed and inconvenienced Texting has taken away some of our humanity Why didn’t we spend those…

I’m not sure how many lessons we are supposed to learn during our time here You taught me mine I think i have a few more years to got though so maybe there’s another lesson around the corner for me But i often wonder Did you learn your lesson? What even was your lesson? We’re…

I hope i get to talk to you Thursday I’m going to a medium Hope she’s legit But it doesn’t matter We have our special cell phone I know the peanut gallery keeps reminding me that you can’t come to earth all the time to talk to me. I know your busy doing your soul…

I want to write down my deepest darkest saddest feelings and thoughts But some things arnt meant to be shared A stranger may read this Crap, hopefully my kid will read this one day Another thing I’ve recently understood about you You shared your soul with me, but still left a bit of mystery Thank…

You’ve given me a second chance at life I didn’t even know i needed a second chance I thought i was doing pretty good with my first go round The degenerate days of hiding in solitude are coming to an end No more hiding, no more avoiding emotions, no more avoiding feeling anything The next…

Maybe it all worked out better than we imagined What a gift To us both Hope you had a blast, it’s on your buddy Trudeau Money for nothing And chicks for free Love you

You both will never get to know You’ll never get the courtesy I hope you wonder the rest of your life Where is he? Why is his phone off? Why isn’t he answering? Don’t look to me for an answer, i made my peace with my letter No newspaper trail, no mentions, no nothing You…

Steamfitter Gasfitter Plumber Business degree 4th class engineer Engineers Vs contractors Engineer slide rule You worked your ass off, got a bunch of journeyman tickets, a HR business degree in 5 years doing night school while working and raising me…. He was an official “university engineer” You were a Jack of all trades with a…

M and I had a great chat, i told her about you, I shared your night vision from G P Eng, your comment, hilarious, why does that need to be written? She shared a cold cordial holiday exchange, and guess what P Eng We had a good laugh, and a good chat, seems they will…

Your preplanning was 10/10 You took a last photo for me on the 20 Your choice was on the 23 You wiped your phone and computer You wiped it so good that hours and many sleepless nights downloading all the phone and computer recovery software i could find (even paid for some) didn’t get me…

August 4 2017 You sent me new night visions Your email was titled fuck i miss you Well fuck I Miss You

Night visions was your visions, memory, and life A sometimes cryptic, sometimes raw, collection of stories, poetry, jokes, anecdotes and art. Many versions existed, you deleted parts when you may have felt insecure or regretted writing them. I kept them all. Every version. It’s all there. For you, for your book, for your dream. Circa…

A lesson to be learned A lesson understood A lesson in life that could only be taught by your sacrifice I was selfish, i was lazy, self centered, mean, manipulative, but loyal and caring My bad traits, as yours, were a cover for our fear of abandonment , emptiness and insecurities Lone wolves in the…

Reference: stolen 5 cent candy circa 4 years old The statement remains true But this one hurts Badly But it hurts because I love and miss you so much What a lesson

You should call yours….. OWLS Or GMT? Countess Dracula? Books, love and other art is what you leave ?

The Endless Knot The endless knot symbol has many names. Sometimescalled the infinity knot, auspicious drawing, or knot of eternity, it is one of the oldest symbols dating back thousands of years. The knot can be found in Celtic, Christian, Judaism, Hindu and Chinese history culture and artwork. While there are many interpretations of the meaning of the endless knot, this symbol carried a very special meaning for my father. My…

Out of all of the lifetimes my dad and i have lived together This is the one we both learned the most This is the one I’ll miss him the most This is the one i need him the most, but needed this lesson more and he knew that Thank you for teaching me a…

I hate in times like this, and I’m sure you feel it to; i am just not myself and there’s no quick route to get back there

You know what’s funny, i used to think the grief stages were stupid, because denial, like they died you can’t pretend they didn’t, but now i realize i played cards with my neighbor like 4 times a week and it wasn’t denial but it was ignoring the fact lol Life is wild

I will not make the same mistakes I will not repeat the mistakes i made with you and my regrets I will live for us

Depression True depression I’ve never experienced true depression until now. Cancelling all appointments to lay in bed and distract myself with tv and tiktok, hoping to fall asleep for the rest of the time it takes me to stop hurting If this is 1/10 of what my dad felt everyday, I understand, I’m sorry, but…