I used to write on here a lot about how i miss my dad, i wrote to heal my grief, i wrote to continue his book he started

But i stopped, about a year ago, and i don’t know why.

Maybe it was because over 2 years after my dad left i finally could shove down my feelings enough to not need to write. But my feelings were not shoved, and i still spend many nights- at least one every 2-3 months, endlessly searching my dads phone for answers or hidden clues to solve questions i don’t even know what I’m asking

Why did i stop writing?

If anything, writing these entries honors my dad, and i plan to use these entries to add to his book, and then add more of my stories throughout my life to the now legacy family book. Why did i stop?

Christmas is always hard for me. My mom loves Christmas so much, her love language is gift giving. My dad and i were more Halloween folks, but my dad loved to put up Christmas lights, take me to get a tree at Canadian tire, put the tree up, and then Christmas Day he cooked the turkey. Christmas Eve was always at my grandparents house on my dad’s side, very Eastern Europe, my grandma always either played Dr zhivago or sound of music, we opened gifts on her plastic covered sofas with intricate crocheted doilies, there were always sweet pickles and sweet pickles beets, there was also always a tray of candied yams- never was interested in those

Christmas is so hard for me. Even writing the small few things about our typical Christmas Eve made me realize Christmas is in depth hard for me. I had a fantastic childhood and Christmas was always an over abundance of gifts of everything i wanted and didn’t know i wanted, one year i got a Super Nintendo first time it came out and i got donkey Kong with it, to this day it’s my favorite game aside from donkey Kong 2 diddys Kong quest, when i saw the gift i was unimpressed because i was so young i didn’t even know what a video game was, once i learned it became part of my childhood- my family life- and my adulthood, i was spoiled and i didn’t know it, i got everything i wanted and more- who knew id turn out as not a brat

One year i got the Lego castle with the glow in the dark ghost. I was really just wanting the ghost, but my dad built the whole castle for me while he made turkey, i think he enjoyed it. I also loved kinex, but id build the rollercoaster or a big build and my mom then would have to unenjoyably break it down after months and put it away only for me to rebuild again

For Christmas one year i started clipping items out of the toys r us flyer and gluing them to my list, i wrote a letter to Santa but i forgot that amongst the 100 things i asked for after i sealed the letter i forgot to add that i wanted the pink power ranger glove, i clipped it out of the flyer and taped it to the outside of the envelope. That year my mom remembers there was a story on the news about kids sending letters to Santa, the media playing showed many letters including one letter with a pink power ranger glove taped to the outside of the envelope! That was mine!

I actually never got that pink power ranger glove funny enough, or a rock tumbler, those are the only 2 things i remember asking for that i didn’t get, in my entire life, my parents really made childhood so amazing

As i got older in my teens, i ended up sending my mom what i wanted in a word document for Christmas- photos and links or the store to get it at- the size i needed and color, she never left one thing off my list out

As i grew even older and became a paramedic, sometimes we had Christmas on different days to accommodate my shift work. This is really when i started to notice my dad’s drinking. I didn’t like going over there anymore, and tried to leave as soon as i could before i became angry and sad at the state of my dad. My mom always did all the Christmas gifts, she was amazing at it and sort of didn’t trust my dad to do the same quality Santa job.

I do have a few texts from my dad asking about what i wanted or what my mom wanted for Christmas. He got her a fancy purse lunchbox one year, not her style, but he really tried.

My dad asked for a travel map after seeing mine. I got him one of North America, he went everywhere and i still have his map now. One of the last christmases at my childhood home, one of the last christmases my parents were together, and really the last Christmas with my dad, was a good one. My dad actually got me a few things himself, including a wooden liquor box full of drawing supplies, pencils, sharpies, good erasers, geometry things- i still have that today- he made one for himself too and i have his- I’ll never use anything in there it’s too special to me.

When my parents separated and my mom moved away and my dad travelled and moved into his next colorful way of life, i don’t remember what i even did for those christmases alone. My mom started coming to town for Christmas a year or so later, and she still does today, and will hopefully move back here and she can host us for Christmas next year.

My dad and i would send merry Christmas texts every year, that’s all. No presents and no visits, i was trying to disassociate from the sadness of it all.

Since my husbands family is in Ontario, we started actually doing Christmas again, and with my mom. Tree, stockings, presents, all that. It was nice to see my mom spoil him as he didn’t have that growing up in polish communism. But, my dad and i just did the Christmas text.

Early on i told my husband that my mom loves Christmas and she was really the only family i had (my dad was still alive) so i would never be going to Ontario for Christmas as long as she is alive, which was understood and he accepted.

When my dad told me he wanted to leave this planet in late 2021, and after the hospital events (maybe i didn’t elaborate but I’ll save it for another time) him and i got to spend a week together and that gave me so much closure. We also got to spend one last craft night together after the hospital. He hated my crappy kitchen scissors and sent me some premier foam at scissors via amazon (which i will never use as they are too precious to me now). He also wrapped up a gift for my husband and i. Mine was his wooden liquor box of art supplies. My husbands was my grandpas knife sharpening stone which my grandpa made. Both very sentimental. He gave these to us before Christmas when i last saw him.

The last time i saw my dad in late Nov of 2021, he asked me if he could come for Christmas. I said i would have to see when my mom was coming. When my mom got here, i had to say to him that she was here for Christmas, but i tried to secure a date in early January for him to come and have Christmas with us. He sent me some wicked witch references email about understanding the Christmas situation. We had a January Christmas date planned. We were going to paper mache some reindeer. He had sent me a photo of the supplies. but that date never happened.

He cancelled the paper mache plans, I’m sure partially because he was hurt. He hadn’t had a real Christmas in 6 years. He was alone for Christmas for 6 years. I didn’t recognize that then. It’s heartbreaking.

Then he got surgery, and before that he sent a few angry messages, i blocked him, and i never got to talk to him again.

I fucked up his last Christmas. A regret I’ll never get over.

Since then Christmas has changed for me. We havnt done a tree since. We do presents and my mom visits but i used to tell myself decorating for Christmas was to much work so for 3 years we just didnt at all.

Not wanting to regret things with the power to change the present while my mom is still here, after some therapy sessions, i agreed to have a tree again.

My husband and Mom and I went out to chop down our tree. The lights and garland went on. Our plastic far to old ikea tree stand finally failed. The tree fell while we were out. The tree went into the yard and we were not going to bother. My mom got an actual better tree stand, but a day before Christmas it seemed futile. I convinced my husband to cart the tree back in and we put on the lights and garland on Christmas Eve day, but we didn’t bother with the decor. At least i know we had a tree this year for my mom to enjoy.

We did our gifts on Christmas Eve as that’s what my polish husband is used to, today will be relaxing and the turkey. And just like the last 3 Christmas eves, I’ve been up all night missing my dad. Wishing and regretting.

How do i even pay tribute to my dad at Christmas. How do i make him feel included and remembered at Christmas even though he’s somewhere else. How do i unfuck my Christmas mistakes, how do i do Christmas for him now

Do i make an ornament? Do we eat a special food? An empty chair? A photo? A toast? All things he probably wouldn’t care for, but what then?

I’ll never be able to unfuck his last christmas. Any gesture to me seems like making it worse.

Dad, i am so sorry, you should have came for Christmas, i still want to make paper mache with you. I am sorry. I am sorry i didn’t realize you were alone on Christmas all those years. I’m sorry i chose mom that Christmas. I wish i could have chosen you both. I am sorry, and i regret so much, and i always will.

Tonight i learned you can buy back your photos from 2006 on photobucket. I paid the $5. And i found a lost photo of my dad and I, and that’s what made me write this.

I miss you dad.

Merry Christmas

I am so sorry

The photo i found of us