It’s been awhile since I’ve written

It’s been an odd few weeks

Mom and her dog came to stay with us for Christmas, they are still here, lots of unforeseen zigs and zags, Christmas, new years, back to work and life in 2023, trying to be present for mom, i think I’m doing good, still need the occasional me day, dogs are truly therapeutic

My me days/nights are mostly me crafting, making all of my Christmas presents as usual, some were not as enjoyable to make, too many eggs.

I’ve been drawing and painting for myself too, mostly more art to pay tribute to Dad.

Yes I’m still spending some nights endlessly going through Dads phone again for the 100th time. Looking for what? I don’t know. I’ve found all i need. Still looking though. A few puzzles remain, but they also could not be puzzles and just my mind over analyzing nothing.

Went back through all my texts again on my old phone, for some reason new ones appeared, found something new, i hate that, it perpetuates my self created rabbit hole.

But overall, day to day, im content. I’m burnt out from overthinking about my job. I’m actually just burnt out from thinking.

I still think of you Dad everyday, i miss you. But, i can hear one of your songs without bursting into tears. I still have to give everyone the “it’s a dad song” disclaimer to change the tune and make sure they don’t play it again, but it’s not a meltdown.

Is this my grief getting better? Is my grief becoming manageable? Or am I just living by distractions? the distraction of trying to be there for mom, the distraction of the happiest cuddliest puppy, the distraction of school assignments and work?

Am I in the eye of the storm? The extreme storm that was April to November. A cyclone of grief and sadness. Is the other half of the cyclone waiting for me in March and April and I don’t even know it.

Is it the calm before the storm? A content peaceful break before a thunderstorm in March. A severe thunderstorm I’m sure, but not another category 5.

You died in March, but your documented date of passing is in April. We won’t get into the details of the time gap.

Will March be the worst? Will April? Will the storm last two months?

You had multiple weather apps and bookmarks, but where is my forecast for life