Reading night visions tonight and realized

A few of your suicide references in there that spanned across the years, deleted entry’s only to exist in the versions i saved

2017, that must have been a rough year

Even when Toby was alive in 2014 you were Abe Lincoln

Life assets and your sunset Farewell- 2019

Jim said a few years ago you sent him quite the photo

How many times did you come close to doing it

I know every time you chose to stay here, i know i was a part of that decision.

You really tried hard for me, even when I was not around. You didn’t want to leave like that. You stuck around for years in misery, for me.

The last year we really got close again. We spent time together. Sort of said our goodbyes. Your neuropathy was the perfect reason. And we had spent our time together.

I don’t think you wanted to know that a tumor was causing your neuropathy. You didn’t want to be cured. The perfect reason to leave was no longer valid.

I see now why our relationship turned tumultuous the last few months

You were donee, you told me many times, i know you were in bad shape but now i wonder if you were trying to give me a reason, you didn’t want to wait surgery, you didn’t want to be cured, you were ready to go

I know many things influenced that choice on that day, but you had been preparing. You didn’t want to go through recovery and rehab. You were in more pain, isolated, lonely, we got our amazing time together, we said we loved each other, you were done

You were at peace with our amazing bond and relationship, you knew i have an amazing husband that will take care of me, the surgery provided you with an justification as I’m sure you feared judgement by others,, we said our love yous, even though we weren’t talking then, it’s probably a good thing, you’d probably have tried to stick it out a bit more for me, but you knew i was going to be ok, which meant you were ok to leave,