Grief is weird, it’s something you can only understand when you go through it, it’s unpredictable and sometimes i just actually feel insane.

I’m not an emotion person, but I’ve really been working hard to feel this. This cannot be suppressed.

But, i just have to do it my way.

I’ve just started accepting whatever my body and mind need, I’m doing it. I’m not going to feel weird or abnormal or fear my husband or friends may actually think I’ve lost it some days.

If i want to eat $80 of McDonald’s one night, i do. If i don’t have an appetite for days, so what. Sometimes i sleep for a week straight. Other times i don’t sleep at all. Clearly my body needs to do whatever it’s doing to process this, and I’m just letting it have free range.

Here are some of my weird grief activities i just thought I’d have a laugh about:

1. Locking myself in my bedroom, unseen for days by my husband, frantically crying one minute staring out my window for hours, then switching to hyper focusing distraction mode on work projects

2. Lots of art. I have half of my craft room under my bed right now. Paints, pencil crayons, charcoal, canvases, it’s all under the bed. Only for me to draw a few lines on a piece of paper and sit there staring at it

3. Lots of art again. I like to call it manic crafting. Staying up all night creating something random, the only thoughts in my mind are the craft, a great escape.

4. Spilling paint and craft supplies on my bed. It’s a mess.

5. Spilling food and sauce in my bed, i have now become a bed eater.

6. Spending days listening to my silly spirit box app. Talking to “spirits” but really I’m sure my husband just hears me taking to myself. it’s addicting. The hope of an unexplainable experience can forgo any feelings of being tied. Superhuman,

7. Going for random drives at night hoping my dad will send me a sign and play one of our songs on the radio. It happened once, but the chance of it happening again is addicting.

8. Reorganizing my dads memory box. Just taking the things out not looking at them and placing them back basically in the same spot

9. Spending hours- like I’ve probably spent a total of 2 straight weeks if i added them up- trying to recover my dads phone and computer, digging for clues or answers, overlooked files he didn’t delete, just searching for what i don’t know. I have found a lot of interesting things, but what’s left to find. However last night i did discover a 6th email account he has. Nothing in the account but i found it.

10. Chain smoking. Another distraction

11. Drinking. Not to get drunk. Just like a drink every hour or two because it’s something to do while I’m staring out the window. Not sure the 30 lbs of booze I’ve gained since he died is really worth the distraction.

12. Searching the buy and sells and eBay to purchase items from my childhood i no longer have. Child regression apparently is a big thing for me. So far I’ve found my Bert and Ernie puppets, Sesame Street light cover, a plastic bowl i had with a boat on it, the pumpkin flashlight i had as a kid, the pumpkin trick or treat pail i had, a plastic sort of blow mold style wall hanging of a happy pumpkin we always put on our door, and a similar Coca Cola bear i had. That’s another thing. Teddy bears. I always had a million stuffed animals as a kid and felt they had their own feelings lol. My dad had 2 bears that he left me, and now, well I’ve purchased a few more bears and it’s becoming a problem.

13. Oh an on the topic of childhood regression, or i like to think it’s nurturing my inner child, I’ve also started doing all of the activities i did as a kid. i was a competitive baton twirler, and now I’ve roped my friend into taking baton lessons. I’m going back to my old karate club in the winter to do that, and that i did with my dad, so looking forward to it. I saw an advertisement on an overpass for square dancing lessons, i danced as a kid, so why not try square dancing.

So yeah, you get the idea. I’m sure there’s many more weird grief activities i don’t even realize I’m doing.

I’m just going with the flow

Resistance is futile