My Dad and I are the same

Same unique brain

A lifetime spent being misunderstood

A lifetime spent trying to explain who we are and why we do what we do, in hopes someone who “knows us” may actually slightly understand who we are

People are disappointing

We give everyone everything we can, we are the caretakers, the saviors, the fixers of the broken, we never ask for anything in return except love

They love us for what we do for them, what we give, the money, the solutions

They don’t love us

How could they, they don’t even know who we are, and don’t care to try

That’s why we are lone wolfs

Self sufficient, don’t need anyone, we can make it on our own just fine

But what we really want is love and acceptance, love for who we are, all our quirks and faults

We think we are unloveable, unworthy, even giving our all with each disappointment it shows us that our effort and care is just never enough

We’ve shut off emotions, numbness is easy, we don’t feel, we are empty, we just exist to help others

We can’t feel happy, we can’t feel sad, we havnt felt anything for years

We are great showmen, a mask for each occasion, who are we really? Inside we know we are only empty worthless shells, but we numb that fact as fast as we remember it

When we are upset, we internalize, we can’t rely on others for help or comfort, we have ourself and that’s all we need, we push away those who may care because we can’t believe it’s genuine, we self fulfill our deepest demons

We flee when life is to much, a trip away for weeks or months, a distraction, removing ourselves from the reminder of life’s disappointments and the people who pin their disappointments on us, we can never help them enough, the great escape

You numbed your demons with alcohol, you could and had quit numerous times if you needed to, but i know that emptiness was overwhelming, the loneliness felt in a room full of friends and family who are self serving, we are always alone so why not just be alone

Who are we? We are empty? What makes us happy? We don’t even know what happiness feels like anymore. You couldn’t take a vacation from yourself, your vacation was the bottle, and you still couldn’t outrun your reality

But the lesson here is,

I am who i am, we can’t change our brains and souls, we work and think differently, that’s ok, people closest to us may never understand us, that’s ok too

I’ve realized that i have two choices in life:

Live a lonely life of self reliance and most likely will have to eventually numb myself with my own vacations

Or just keep on trying with humanity

I will be disappointed by people, close or not, for the rest of my life. Time and time again.

But maybe one of those people won’t disappoint me.

Maybe I can find a small piece what we’ve searched for. The comfort of self reliance is not enough. We both crave the human touch. There’s no chance of success being by myself.

I’ve seen the outcome when you chose self reliance. I had chosen that path too. Until you taught me that there is no life worth living when your living for just yourself.

So I’m going to keep trying, for both of us, and I’m certain there are many more disappointments ahead of me….

But in the words of Einstein

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”

Thanks for being my apple tree