Ugh, Christmas items are already on the shelves

First I need to get through your memorial, Halloween, our birthdays, and then yep Christmas, but consumerism has made sure to remind me Santa Clause is coming to town, and will be in town for the next 4 months

All you wanted was a family Christmas

To cook a meal for us, you loved to cook

To be with loved ones, well me and my husband, that’s all you wanted, to spend time with us at Christmas, like the old days

For years we exchanged some Christmas texts

We stopped with the presents long ago

In November when life was looking up you wanted to have a Christmas

I was caught in the middle, mom lives for Christmas, she also only has us, she always visits for Christmas, i refuse to go to my in-laws for Christmas because it means the world to mom

It meant the world to you too, you just never pressed it or really told me your feelings

I told you we’d have a Christmas together after she went home, we laughed and joked, we were supposed to make paper mache Christmas characters (your idea), you got the newspaper and wire, but the day of you wernt feeling up to it, that was ok

We drifted away because you were upset about Christmas, I never chose mom over you, it’s a hard place to be in, either way a heart would be broken, and i didn’t realize how you felt after so many christmases where we were distant , maybe i didn’t want to realize how you felt; it was easier to choose that way

How i wish i gave you a Christmas again

It wouldn’t have changed the outcome of life, but it would have made you incredibly happy

You gave us gifts early thinking you wouldn’t see Christmas, grandpas knife block and your art box, when life was changing i gave your art box back for you to keep creating

December 26 was the beginning of my regret, you sent messages because you were hurt, i responded with boundries,

You wanted to visit, then would lash out when you were lonley and hurt, i told you that those were not nice things to say and it was not you, you apologized,

We were supposed to see each other, you were going to come cook and do crafts, i said “I’m not sure you can stay over though…I really am worried your back in your addiction and i also might need more time to not be upset about all that’s happened i will think about it?”

January 6 you again asked for your property back, you wanted to meet, it was a mix of emotions and feelings in your message, i don’t remember my response, i deleted my message, probably a good thing

You emailed me you were going for surgery, i emailed you back with “I love you Dad”

I sent another email after surgery saying I love you

I hope you got those messages

That was the end.

I should have had Christmas with you. Sent mom to a hotel for a day or two. Whatever it took. I should have done it.

So now what do I do, what do I do now?

Do I take you in your tool box and have a Christmas with your sand? Do I make you a present and open it and put it in your box? Does it even matter? Will it make me feel better or worse? Can I even enjoy a Christmas now knowing all you wanted was a Christmas and I failed you. W

While I was eating drinking and playing games with Mom and husband you were alone. You just wanted one day. How do I ever enjoy a Christmas again. I don’t feel I deserve to.

How do I give you your Christmas?

Maybe it’s time I take up a religion that doesn’t have a Christmas.

This year Santa Clause is not welcome in my town.