I am so happy you came over and stayed for 2 nights, it was the best time and that time will be cherished by me forever. I’m so thankful for that time and I feel that I really got to know you even better than I thought I did. I never truly understood how lonely and tough life has been for you in the past few years until that night we talked.

Thank you for coming over and spending time with me and making my favorite meal. Thank you for telling me all about you and sharing very personal things. Thank you for lasting past Halloween, my favorite holiday because of you, you knew it was important to me. Thanks for also outlasting not only your birthday but also mine. As I get older my birthday isn’t a big deal but 30 years and 2 days apart, plus the apple didn’t fall from the tree, I didn’t want you to choose one of those days because every year when I celebrate you (obviously will think of you all the time but talking about the real big remembrance time) I want to have that day to just celebrate you. I’d probably never celebrate my birthday again if you chose that day. Thanks for sticking it out. It was very important to me.

I’ve read so many google articles this past week, and asked some trusted friends for advice regarding saying goodbye while we have time. After all the advice, I think we knocked it out of the park! We shared stories and memories, played some games, had some laughs, got to ask all the questions and left no stone unturned. We scored 10/10. I am always worried there’s something I will forget to ask or say, but I feel as happy and content as I think I can.

No one gets this chance! Truly, I am thankful for this time and that you were able to tell me your choice in advance. Now that I truly understand your experiences in the last few years, I can’t even think of asking you for any more time. Prolonging your misery so I can avoid the inevitable pain of mortality would be unfair and selfish of me.

Looking back, and understanding things more, I do wish I did some things different with our relationship in the past few years. However, maybe if the past was changed then we wouldn’t have had this amazing relationship now. I was scared, sorry. Everything happens for a reason.

Throughout my life I’ve come to learn that my main values and needs are safety and security. Not just a house with door locksand an income, these needs are deeply complex. I have learned that these two values are important to sustain my ultimate for control. I need to be (or feel) in control of everything at all times. Even if it’s just a little control, I need it. 

This is probably why I’m afraid of flying- no control. 

In these 33 years I’ve seen many therapists and have tried a variety of strategies to gain the control I need to feel content and relaxed. This need is in every facet of my life. Relationships, friendships, work, schedules, home organization, and so much more. 

I’m a night person, I like to be alone and think, and my brain works at night, you know. Every day and every second, I’malways planning 10 steps ahead of everything. For example, if I’m going to the dentist tomorrow, before bed I will literally spend an hour planning out every piece of it. Not just the important parts of the appointment but even down to conversations I may have with someone I haven’t met yet. Ill lay there stewing and think something like “Ok so if the dentist says hi how are you then I’ll respond with this”, if they ask “how’s work” then I’ll respond with this answer, unless they ask “have you been busy at work” then I’ll respond with this answer. I know this small chat doesn’t matter, most of the small things I stew over are irrelevant, but I do it anyways. 

On Jan 15 at 230 am, as usual, I was trying to fall asleep but my brain wouldn’t shut off. I decided to write my thoughts down in a notepad on my phone. Writing things down, to me, means that I won’t forget about the thought, and if I don’t write the thought or point down then I spend hours repeating it to myself (remember someone told me if you repeat it 23 times it’s a habit). I do these time consuming irrelevant things so I can remember whatever was important at the time. I wanted to include the notes from that night, and I have shared them with a few others, because the notes are absolutely ridiculous but I find it gives others an insight into my forever busy brain.

“Thinking about my new boots and how they will look if they will get dirty and planning to spray them with protectant, wondering if I’ll like the color and imagining them on and then on someone else vs. the brown pair, then thinking I should write this down for you as a thought, then I thought that’s too much work and isn’t important, then I thought about the entire story about the boots again to see how I would write it out. Then Ithought more about how I should grab my phone and write it and then I finally did and now I’m reading the words in my head as I type. Thinking about writing this note and trying to remember ever line exactly. This will occupy me for 10 mins along with the topic of how I needed to write this and am glad I did and then go through other situations that may have happened, like if I didn’t write the note and forgot this tomorrow I would have lost a good therapy example: and how I’ll tell you about this note and I’ll go over some ways I will speak about the note and explain why I felt it was important Thinking about how I’m going to tell my Physio my teeth hurt tomorrow. Going through conversations we may have about my teeth, also situations. And non-thinking time I am currently playing the theme song to succession in my head. The entire night I’ve been narrating a conversation with myself about how I’d like to explain this note and reasons it was good I wrote it, every other thought I write down here then I continue the conversation. I should save all these notes and make a book of my thoughts”

I am sure you can only imagine, or possibly you may share this cursed rumination, how my brain thinks when there is an actual reason to process something. When I have an important issue or am upset or whatever, you can only imagine the depths and avenues my brain explores.  If thinking about shoe protector took up an hour of my brain time and prevented me from sleeping, real problems are quite the brain workout.

When my brain won’t stop I either craft or write. When I craft, it is the only time my mind is focused and present. I’m not thinking of 100 things. I’m thinking of my next steps to make this craft. (I also can’t leave anything unfinished or else ill lay there thinking about how I want to finish it. I’ve accepted that I just have to finish the project. Otherwise I just waste 2 hours thinking about finishing it and not sleeping and then end up getting up and finishing it anyways, I’ve made so many things, with so many mediums, I enjoy it, and it’s a nice break. I feel relaxed crafting, and I rarely feel relaxed. Even watching a movie. I am always distracted, researching, planning and thinking. It’s hard for me to enjoy a moment of life when I’m to busy planning for the next moment and rushing through so I can complete more of my to do list for whatever plan is next. Not sure if that makes sense.

If I’m not crafting, I’m writing. Not writing books or stories. Writing documents. Being on wcb for 3 years has been extremely stressful and confusing. I’ve found my passion in helping others navigate the system and hope to one day turn this into an advocacy job. If I don’t feel like crafting or have nothing to make, I’m making documents and researching policies to help my group of “forgotten souls” navigate their injuries and hopefully not be crippled for life or have a mental breakdown due to confusion about AHS and WCB and the whole system. Researching, and referencing policies provide people with a little feeling of being in control. It’s no longer “the man behind the curtain”, or some hidden crucial information they didn’t know because it’s buried in 20 pages of a crappy website and because that one form wasn’t completed its now detrimental to their claim. People going through physical or psychological injuries have so many things to do just for their injury alone and they often become completely defeated because information is confusing and contradictory. I experienced this so many times. I never want someone to experience what I did. I like to introduce myself to others as the encyclopedia Britannica of AHS war crimes and getting fucked over every way possible, and there’sno Geneva Convention with AHS. The worst part is this stressdoesn’t need to happen to people because there are a few gaps in the system and uneducated leaders when it comes to wcb. I realized by providing a simple piece of information, or referencing a wcb policy, or making a phone call to someone to ask a question, makes the world of difference to so many. So if I don’t craft I research and make how to and helpful documents for others. When I am focused on researching (say the policy regarding modified duty weight lifting restrictions) I google forever and get all the information, including manufacturer weights of our equipment. Down the rabbit hole but in a productive focused manner. This shuts off my brain because I am completely focused on getting this information and thinking of additional information or other helpful sources I might find. It’s relaxing to me.

I’ve also used this documentation method for real life problems. I had a fight with a dear friend and I made a document with all their concerns and all of mine and cross referenced text messages and wrote everything I felt out. I never showed anyone the document, it was for me, and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t in la la land of Queen Sam. Writing it all out was beneficial to me and saved me days of thinking. So that’s my strategy now. Crafts or documents. Like this one. Its long. They all are. 

Now why am I telling you all of this? 

I have a crippling fear of death. More so my own death and the unknown next step. Ever since I was young these thoughts have been a burden. My fear existed long before we got broken in to. But after we got broken into I actually used to sleep with a flashlight between my face and shoulder because I figured in case anyone came in and stabbed me in the neck it would hit the flashlight…lol

I can’t even think about death, it terrifies me. Sometimes I am even terrified to go to sleep because I think it’s similar to the final darkness of death. I can’t “practice deep breathing” because if I think about breathing it’s no longer an automatic function and I feel if I don’t remember to breathe then I’ll forget. As I get older I’m afraid of planes, small spaces, the ocean, driving off a cliff somehow, dying in my sleep, brain tumors, everything. (At least I’ll never be suicidal lol). Seeing Kate has been really great, and I’m learning there’s a lot more to these worlds then meets the eye. But, that fear still creeps in at least once a week because I only believe facts and if I can’t see proof then I can’t truly trust and believe in any idea really.

I’ve been having these new intrusive thoughts over the last few years regarding death, and it’s now progressed to a visualmanifestation. I am a visual person. If I see a name on a name tag I remember the photo in my mind clearly and remember the name. Visual learning was great for note taking and school, but now it’s an entire new ballgame.

For some reason, and I recognize that it’s getting worse, I always imagine someone dead. It’s not from my job or the calls, I’m not sure why this is happening, I’ve told my psychologist, I don’t know, but I need to figure it out, and soon. For example, if were watching a true crime documentary and they say Jenny was found dead in the bathroom, I can instantly picture exactly how her dead body looked, what she was wearing, her limb positions, towels on the floor These images are quite detailed and most of the time they don’t even show the scene, but I can see it, or I imagine it, for some reason. These are disturbing thoughts to me and they contribute to my worsening fear of death that occupies my mind daily. I have seen maybe 20 dead bodies in my career and none of them ever mimic situations that would cause me to have maybe a “flashback”. Unrelated entirely. I’d like to think maybe it’s some sort of clairvoyant gift that I haven’t learned how to manage yet. Or a decent into madness, either or.

The images are now no longer limited to real life events. I picture bodies in scenarios that didn’t even happen. I realize that these dead body intrusive thoughts have only recently progressed to events that never happened. I really realized this change a few months ago when a nurse that was close with my friend killed herself. She actually was going to rent my townhouse after a bad divorce but her family helped her with a down payment for a place of her own. Now these intrusive thoughts cause me to vividly picture her dead body in my townhouse, the room she’s in, her clothes, how she’s laying. She didn’t die in my townhouse, but she could have and it would have made no difference to these images I think of. 

I also picture my friends, or people I meet, or run into at the store, I can see what they will look like when they are really old. I can see how they will look many years down the road, except not you for some reason. Again maybe it’s a gift I need to learn how to use. Here’s hoping. After I visualize how they look as an old senior, I then have to picture their dead body, usually in a senior’s home. Those images are not always as vivid regarding details like location and circumstance of death, but I still experience these images frequently. I also hate seeing people asleep for the same reason, because that’s what they would look like if they were dead. I really promise this fear of death has nothing to do with my job and has been present ever since I can remember and has just gotten worse over the years (not because of my job). I am really working on my brain to try to figure out why I have this fear, why I picture these things, and how to be a human and relax once in a while.

I accept your choice. I understand and love you. The thing I am really struggling with though, is the method you’re choosing. I have never been to a call where someone has had a gunshot wound to their head. I don’t want to go to one of those calls. I don’t want to see it in a movie, I don’t want a TV show to even show someone with a gun and then pan to a wall or something and not actually show it but imply it. I don’t know a lot about guns. Sometimes in movies there’s just a small entrance and exit wound. Never seen anything in real life to really compare to Hollywood. But. All I picture is you sitting on that blue bridge and your body is leaning against a post and your head is literally exploded into nothing. Prior to this it was the same image but more brain splatter on a hotel room wall. Thank you for relocating the plan to outside. Outside though led to more images, you sitting by a rock by the river near deer foot and the end of Cranston where people park to fish. Head exploded. These images are really affecting me. I just have to be honest but I hope you don’t think I am trying to guilt you into anything. Every movie, TV show, article, anything that mentions this method will trigger an image of you with your head exploded and I will have this image for the rest of my life. 

I was happier imagining you in your truck on a nice outlook with a hose. Eyes closed, maybe a bit of a smirk, relaxed and at peace. I’ll never know what the actual scene will look like, and I don’t want to. Please understand though, if you choose your original method, no matter what happened or how small or large any bullet holes may be, I will always be haunted and picture your head completely obliterated. My dad’s smile gone. Glasses blown a meter away. Like a pumpkin in November at best. I am really struggling with that thought. I am trying to accept it and cope with these image but it’s really hard. I know you want to make sure the job is done and you’re not a vegetable, if that’s your choice and this is the way you feel most confident and at peace with then that’s how it is. But, I would really really appreciate if you considered any other option. If you can’tthough, I understand, but I just wanted to explain a bit more about my brain and struggles with the concept of death, because saying it would affect me is one thing, having you understand exactly why and the depths of my torment is another. 

It’s ironic, I thought I was doing a good job mentally preparing for your death since probably the age of 15. Many scenarios were possible and I was prepared for. Finding you dead at the bottom of the stairs, or in bed, maybe watering the lawn, in the garage, I’ve imagined it all except this. As I mentioned, I got you and Mom to draw hearts on a post it over 10 years ago. I was already planning my memorial tattoos. Please send a few more hearts so I have some options. I never told either of you why I wanted you to draw those hearts, now you know.

Other than my heart and alternative method request, I do have one more. 

I have 24 hours of you left. I haven’t been sleeping this week at all. I am afraid I will miss a text from you and maybe you’llthink I’m ignoring you and make a rash decision. I can sleep the rest of my life but I don’t want to miss any time I may have with you even if it’s a text. The week before you stayed here I also didn’t sleep much. I knew time was limited and I wanted to write day visions, make the milk jug skeleton, get the hello goodbye t-shirts, so many things I wanted to do so you knew you were loved and important, and as I said, I can sleep later and I am so happy I did all of those things. This is your life and your choice, I have zero control over this and respect that. But, I need you to help me get a bit of imagined control. Please call or text me before it happens. I would rather know then get a surprise phone call from the police. Please gather your things in your room in a pile or something. Please don’t forget any of your items as they are all important to me in different ways. If I have to dig through your room and gather your stuff it will be overwhelming. You said the robbers missed your gun because it was by the fridge with a towel. I would forever fear I missed an item of yours. Maybe a name tag, maybe a drawing, those thoughts would ruminate and turn into a giant brain monster. I don’t want to miss an item because I am overwhelmed. Please help me and gather everything before you leave.

I opened your cardboard box yesterday. The memory box. I knew that was going to be a hard box for me and I wanted to just take a peek to prepare myself. (Planning as always) Of course it was everything I feared. Top framed photo was me and Wally in the ambulance. On the side of the box was my painting of us at stampede. I had to close the box and will revisit it when I’mready. I couldn’t look past opening the flaps. The first two thingsthough that I saw, were of us, or me. Boy we really mean a lot to each other. I know you’re proud of my career and who I am, and the box is clearly evident of that even with a peek.

I love you forever please visit me often from the other side. I’mhappy you know I am in good hands, it’s important to me that you know whatever happens I’ll be all right and have the best support. Sebastian is an amazing human, my yin to my yang, he balances me out in every way that I need.

I want you to go peacefully and happily and be content. I think I’ve drilled it into your head the wonderful impact you’ve had on my life and all of the memories I will cherish forever. I hope you don’t hold any resentment for those who have wronged you, everyone is fucked up and has had a weird life. It’s no excuse and it doesn’t make it right, but hopefully a bit of our chat gave you some sort of something. 

I will keep Grandpas tools forever, I know they were important to you. Most likely keeping everything in the cardboard box. I’mkeeping your pin map forever, the bike license plate, and the old bicycle. I know the old bicycle was important so I will make Sebastian find some room somewhere for it.

As much as I would really like you to take out your entire 80k pension tomorrow and spend it on whatever the fuck you want and makes you happy, because who cares about taxes at this point, I know you won’t. I don’t expect any money, or want any money, I wish that you just spent it on yourself.