A lesson to be learned

A lesson understood

A lesson in life that could only be taught by your sacrifice

I was selfish, i was lazy, self centered, mean, manipulative, but loyal and caring

My bad traits, as yours, were a cover for our fear of abandonment , emptiness and insecurities

Lone wolves in the world

Don’t need anyone we can survive by ourselves

Push everyone away

Test them

Their care isn’t real and we don’t need it

But we do

And mask that loneliness and misunderstanding with substances or shopping or traveling

Yet we are still alone and misunderstood

Mask it with fixing others and caring for others as we wish someone would care for us

Disappointed, taken advantage of, misunderstood, not reciprocal, still alone .

Avoid feelings at all cost. Put up walls. Never let anyone make you feel anything. Don’t feel anything. Feelings are overwhelming and unnecessary.

Amazing wife that was tolerant of these traits

Amazing husband that was tolerant of these traits

Wife pushed to the limit, now alone

I don’t need to be understood, or showered with compliments and gifts, i have a caring husband who loves me through thick and thin

I treat him poorly, because that defense mechanism of im not good enough or they will leave me for something better just never goes away

“You have a good man, he loves you,

Crawl three miles on hands and knees over broken glass to help you
I love him for that!”

All i want is to be loved for who i am, i got it, but can’t believe it

Monkey see monkey do, because we are mysterious monkeys and everyone else is a simple gorilla

Pushed you away for years because i was afraid of being hurt or disappointed

Wasted time, hurt feelings, for what? For me to avoid emotions?

Avoid avoid avoid

Walls walls walls

Only now do I realize I have 10 years of texts asking me to go to lunch with you, see you, spend time with you

Years of stories and writings, i didn’t read until two years ago, because i was to afraid to know you

But you are me

I am you

You called out for help and connection but I was to stubborn selfish and avoidant to even see it

You knew we were one, i know we are now

While it wouldn’t change the outcome, I regret only spending 2 years to truly know you rather than 10. We could have been as we were for the first 10 years of my life.

I won’t repeat your path anymore and be controlled by the same avoidant strategy that comes so easily to us.

Love my husband. Love my mom. Spend time. Talk. Don’t be selfish. Don’t feel scared to be myself or feel others are unworthy of my time because they can’t understand my brain.

You saved my life.

It took yours to make me learn.

I would have lived an empty lonley avoidant existence, pushing anyone who truly cared away, because self reliance is safe.

All i think i wanted my entire life was to be understood and loved for who i am.

I had that.

I had you.

I had what I wanted my entire life.

Now your gone forever.

I will not make the same mistake, i will no be afraid of love and life.

Because i had it all with you, and i was still afraid, so i lost you.

It took losing you, to realize what i lost

And that’s the lesson here

And I’ll change

Change my life, change my fears

I never want to feel this way again

Thank you for the lesson i would have never learned without you

I hope we’ve both learned what we needed to so we can dance on Orion’s Belt and fish together in the sea of stars

Love you forever